also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
