You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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