what day is it and did you see me today?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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