I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize