Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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