i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
