is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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