apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
