we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
