I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Please don't give away my fajitas
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