saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
