The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize