Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I still have a little drunk in my system
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
