K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
