and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
