Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Holy sore nipples Batman
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
