Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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