so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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