2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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