Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
