hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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