at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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