I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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