Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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