she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
