"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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