Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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