he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
