So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
