The maid of honor just puked.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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