I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
