I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize