Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
