That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
