i permit you to call me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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