I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
