Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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