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Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
