apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
