How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
