I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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