I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
