my phone needs a breathalizer
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
