I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
