Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
