i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
