Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
