I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize