Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
