twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize