Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
