I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
