know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
