i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
