a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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