jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We don't watch enough power rangers
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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