it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
