dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I faked an abortion last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize