the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
