I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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